‘I’m in a relationship but I’m still in love with my ex’

I’m 27 years old and my girlfriend is 26. We’ve been dating for two years and now she’s pregnant with my child. The problem is I no longer feel the same about her. I don’t love her anymore and it’s not just because I found out she’s pregnant – this feeling started a few months ago. I really don’t want to hurt her, especially now, and I want to be there for my child but I’m no longer happy in this relationship. I also think she’s noticed I’m no longer the same guy. Please help me deal with this in the right way.

Answer  

It’s good that you’re acknowledging you don’t have feelings for your girlfriend anymore instead of mistreating her and playing games. You just have to build up the courage to sit her down and be honest with her. Prolonging the break-up will only make matters worse, so you need to do it sooner rather than later. She’ll be hurt, but at least she won’t be living a lie and will know where she stands with you. It’s unfortunate that you’ve only just realised this now that an innocent baby is on the way. But that doesn’t mean you have to hold on to the relationship. You won’t be doing yourself, her or the child a favour by doing so. If you’re worried about how to handle this I suggest you seek the assistance of a relationship counsellor who can help you tell her about your decision in the best way possible. Explain that you are willing to be part of the child’s life and want to be an involved father. When the time is right, discuss how you’re going to co-parent. You can call Famsa on 011-975- 7106/7 for assistance. Good luck.

I’M IN LOVE WITH MY EX

Question

I’m a 31-year-old mother of two. I’ve been with my boys’ father for eight years. I love him but he’s very stubborn and never listens or wants to be corrected, so we’ve had a few problems. Last year we broke up for a bit and I met an ex-boyfriend at a wedding. We hadn’t been in contact or seen each other for nine years but instantly felt a connection again. We know we should be together, but both have partners and children we don’t want to hurt. We agreed to be friends and nothing more to respect our partners, but every time we talk to each other the feelings become so strong. Should we stick with our partners for the sake of our kids or follow our hearts?

Answer

If you belonged with your ex you wouldn’t have parted ways and wouldn’t have lost contact for nine years. Let’s imagine there had been no wedding and you never had that chance meeting with your ex – would you have been hankering after him? You both need to make an informed choice. As you say, it’s not only about you anymore. But you also can’t make a decision based on trying to keep your family together. You may end up resenting your children if you feel you sacrificed your happiness for them. Work on your current relationships and deal with the issues that make you unhappy. If you decide to follow your hearts, make sure you think things through very carefully before proceeding.