God is not like Job Sikhala’s tailor

Nostalgia is quite climactic, and there is nothing as pleasurable as going down memory lane.

When Bishop Lazi was having a haircut last week, he could not help but think how life was so fashionably easy back in the day.

All that one needed then for a good hairdo was an Afro, and it was not considered odd at the time, even for the male specie.

So, this meant the steel-tentacled comb — or Afro comb — was invariably part of priced must-have accessories.

Back in the village, it was more precious than silver and gold; the item most likely to be pilfered.

But, fashioning out a good hairdo then was a labour of love: it meant foraging the forests for the devil’s thorn plant (ruredzo/inkunzani), after which the leaves would be pounded into a slimy goo that would then be used as a hair moisturiser.

Those who wanted to go the extra mile for the chic Afro look would then use sizzling hell-hot boulders to straighten their hair.

This elaborate rite and therapy enabled the Afro comb to work its magic.

Argh! Those were the days, the heady days I must say.

You should have seen the Bishop in his teens, long before the Spirit took over him. Hallelujah!

Those quaint shirts with flappy collars and hip-hugging trousers that funnelled out generously as they sleekly flowed to cover the high-heeled boots.

And then the capitalists came, and some low-life invented electric hair clippers.

Our dressing became spartan; in fact, it has progressively become austere (no pun intended) over the years.

Now people talk of slim-fit clothes.

Capitalists so ka!

But, you have to give it to them, those guys know how to market their stuff.

For every barbershop, there was a resplendent poster of those African-American brothers wearing suave haircuts.

Among the many haircuts you could imagine — crew cut, buzz cut et cetera — the box cut and English cut were the pick of the lot for youthies.

Well, if it could be imagined, it could be cut . . . eeergh . . . sort of.

For many expectant clients, it became a teary episode at the hands of an incompetent barber who would have only managed to shear out a hideous poor man’s version or iteration of the original cut.

Most victims resignedly opted for a free clean shave — which was the only alternative — to hide the barberman’s shoddy handiwork.

What you wish; what you get

Bishop Lazi would imagine that this is the same fate that befell our plum honourable Member of Parliament (MP) Job ‘Wiwa’ Sikhala when he had that recent fashion disaster.

As someone desperately trying to keep up with latest fashion trends, I would also imagine he armed himself with a cache of fashion magazines and his fabric and approached his tailor to explain what he expected — a trendy suit and the accompanying waistcoat.

After reassuring promises, he left his material, but when he went to collect it, lo and behold, instead of a waistcoat, he got something resembling a kangaroo’s pouch.

And boy, oh boy, after he decided to wear that outfit, you could feel for that haphazardly put together waistcoat as it dutifully tried to hold fort against the incredible force of a bulbous belly that threatened to blow it to smithereens. Kikikiki.

Bishop would be surprised if that tailor is not behind bars by now.

 God’s plan

You see, dear reader, God is not like those yesteryear barbers or Job Sikhala’s tailor: he gives you exactly what you ask for.

Matthew 7:7-12 is succinct: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So, in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

Most Zimbabweans are prayer warriors, more prayerful than Bishop Lazi himself; perhaps too prayerful, if there is such a thing.

They will pray for their hopelessly delinquent book-averse kids to pass exams, they will pray to become as rich as Bill Gates and they will pray for everything and anything.

And in the past 20 years of tumult, they have been praying for a brighter day.

Curiously, they do not believe that they live in God’s grand plan.

Remember last week, I told you that 85 percent of Zimbabweans call themselves Christians.

Apparently, all that we have become good at is to whine, whinge and cringe.

We have mastered the doomsday art of prophesying doom and gloom.

Even when the ground is shifting beneath our feet, we cannot read the signs, and read them correctly.

It reminds Bishop Lazi of a cocky Saviour Kasukuwere who, after being peeved by a story in The Herald which claimed he had allegedly swapped faith healers in order to re-invent his waning political fortunes, gloatingly tweeted on July 8 2017: “they have failed completely to understand the seismic political movement underway @HeraldZimbabwe will need a new pair of hands soon.”

Talk of misreading the signs.

We all know what happened four months later. Kikikiki. Argh! Cruel fate.

But, as we continue to moan interminably, those from faraway lands have read the signs.

A UK firm, Eco Equity, is now pouring money into cultivating cannabis — a euphemism for mbanje — in Marondera, which it would be exporting to Europe.

Kutadza kana kurima mbanje tega here vakomana nevasikana? Nxa mhani!

Another UK firm NMS Infrastructure recently signed a US$200 million deal to improve the country’s primary healthcare facilities.

Well, if that does not tell you something, imagine this: Nathan Hayes — a country analyst for the Economist Intelligence Unit, a division that published business intelligence for The Economist Group — recently circulated a research note on Zimbabwe in which he notably forecast that “inflation will fall in 2021-2024 as confidence in the currency and Government is gradually rebuilt”. Mazvinzwa here?

There is more: he also thinks that the economy will begin rising in 2021 (1,9 percent), growing to 2 percent in 2022, 5 percent in 2023 and a hefty 7,1 percent in 2024.

Foreigners are snatching up opportunities while we are busy trolling each other on social media.

Bishop thinks we need to start believing in ourselves again, even a little bit.

As Matthew 20 counsels: “For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

O ye of little faith.

Bishop out.

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