Question – In high school I met a guy I liked but we didn’t date. We kissed at the matric farewell but nothing came of it. Two years later, I had a fiancé, but we broke up shortly after our baby was born. I then dated an awesome guy for two years, before breaking up when he started hitting me.
Then I met a guy who is a year younger than me. He’s sweet but I feel I’m a handful for him and don’t think it will last. Seven years later, the first guy and I are still friends, we talk about everything and we go to business seminars and events together.
The thing is that he has a girlfriend. Should I wait for him, go back to the second one or continue with the younger guy?
Go back to yourself and decide what it is you want from a relationship. Choose to be without a boyfriend until you can love and honour yourself enough so you don’t consider being with an abuser, a guy you’re a “handfulii for” or a guy with a girlfriend.
Spend time on your own figuring out who you are. Once you are content with being you, you’ll attract someone who will tick all your boxes.
HE’S A SERIAL CHEATER
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. He’s 22 and I’m 21 and we have a six-month-old child. He always cheats on me and made it clear he won’t stop. But he says he’ll always come home to me and he loves me.
I love him deeply and I’m afraid to raise our child alone. I’m heartbroken because I feel like I can’t lose him because he supports me financially. Please help.
You need to find a way to support yourself financially. You’re too young to give your life over to another person to do as he pleases with. You’re also too young for this drama to define the rest of your life. Raising a child on your own is difficult, but you need to be the best you can be to raise your child well. Stop being at the mercy of another person, simply because you’re not making a plan for yourself. Allow him to be in your life but not in control of it.
MY DAD IS UNSUPPORTIVE
I’m 22, have a three-month-old daughter and live with my parents. My dad is mad at me for having a baby at this age – one day he’s fine, the next he’s shouting. My home life is terrible. I understand his anger but I matriculated in 2011, have a diploma and I’m working. I do everything for my child. He doesn’t want her father to visit us, instead I have to sneak behind his back.
When my boyfriend’s parents came over to try settle everything according to tradition, my father sent his uncles to meet them instead of going himself. Now he’s mad, saying they came only to see the baby without bringing any money. He drinks a lot and likes to cause a scene and this affects the family. My mother has to choose sides and my sisters get yelled at for my mistakes.
He never looks at or holds my daughter either. I feel miserable and want to move out, but I want to build a house for my mom first. Should I stay, avoid him and continue sneaking around, or should I move out? I won’t be able to build a house and pay rent at the same time.
You need to talk to your mother about how to help your father and how you can all work together to bring peace. Your father might just need time to adjust. I can understand his disappointment and that he doesn’t want you to make the same mistake twice, or your sisters to do the same thing. But his drunken and abusive behaviour is not acceptable.
Raising a child on your own is difficult. You won’t have support if you move out. Your child is too young for you to make such a decision. Ask your mother to talk to your dad when he is calm. Reassure him you’re building a life and even though you have a child, you don’t intend to have another. Make sure you are having protected sex and focus on your child and your dreams of building a house and supporting your family.
I’M AN OBSESSIVE LOVER
I think I have an obsessive love disorder. I love my fiancé very much but when he does something I don’t like, I become aggressive. I feel like he doesn’t love me and I could beat him badly. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t give me enough attention even though we are always together. For instance, if I called him more than three times a day without him calling me, I’m suspicious. I also get angry when his family doesn’t call me.
Yes, you are being obsessive. You feel as though you own this other person and his family and that they all “owe” you attention. You believe that if you don’t get what you want, the other person must be punished. You need to go for counselling to work through your anger and find the source of the problem.
Other people have their own wants, needs and motivations. If you can’t handle this reality, it’s a serious issue and someone could be seriously hurt. Please find a psychologist through your local clinic or your doctor.