Marriage is sustained by knowledge and in your union, love is the by-product of knowledge, understanding and wisdom
When a couple decides to end their marriage, it’s generally because they feel they can’t handle the relationship anymore and may perhaps have done everything at their disposal to save it. No one really knows the unique circumstances that lead to couples going their separate ways except for them and maybe few others.
Very often, we encounter partners that experience perpetual abuses of many kinds, while others experience serial infidelity from their partners. Divorce is actually the best option in some circumstances.
However, while every couple has a right to divorce without fear of being judged, we wish to argue the importance of commitment in marriage against some of the reasons people often give for why they divorce. And that there’s actually no such thing as “irreconcilable differences” outside pride, unforgiveness, immaturity, loss of focus, individualism and hardened hearts. There’s actually nothing “cool” about divorce despite the effort of some people trying to make it seem like there is.
So what must you do if you’re unhappy? The narrow lens of our ultra-liberal society with massive Western influence makes a question like this sound intelligent. The popular narrative is that, staying in an unhappy marriage is a disservice to yourself and your children. The claim is, by staying in such a marriage, you are being phony, in denial and you are not modelling a healthy relationship for your children that’s purely based on love.
But what’s love got to do with it though?
Marriage is sustained by knowledge, not love. And that makes romantic love a very weak foundation for marriage. When you become deliberate students of one another, you give true love an opportunity to be born and to grow.
When you know your spouse, you understand them better, and therefore develop the wisdom to treat them and love them the way they wish to be loved. A successful marriage is a result of the application of knowledge. In marriage, love is the by-product of knowledge, understanding and wisdom.
Applied knowledge helps you build around structure, discipline, shared values, common goals and unwavering commitment.
But marriage does not owe you happiness. This myopic view of marriage and independence pathologises marital commitment. The pathology is internalised, leaving so many people thinking happiness is everything in marriage and that falling out of love means an end of the marriage.
Proper perspective
A healthy marriage is experienced as we view ourselves, each other, and the marriage properly. While individual happiness, desires, and considerations are important within a marriage, they are not the central focus. The central focus is interdependent, interlinked growth and maturity of character as a couple. That’s how we become.
If life went exactly as we planned or wanted, we wouldn’t change because we wouldn’t need to. That isn’t living. That would just be accomplishing goals without internal change. And without internal change, there is no fulfilment — there’s no meaning.
Couples that are serious about life together, have the courage to develop meaning as a team, even if they initially got married randomly. Such couples understand that life is not always about themselves and their happiness. They pursue shared meaning and common purpose in order to live fulfilled lives, and leave meaningful legacies.
The day you took the oath of marriage is the day you vowed to die to self. That’s the essence of sacrificial love that marriage, overall, demands. The greatest gift marriage offers isn’t the authentic, healthy and fulfilling love we grow into, nor the precious souls — we call children — that give us the divine privilege of moulding them into good human beings that can make positive contributions to the world.
The greatest gift of marriage, in our view, is the challenge of becoming Christ-like in character. Meaning, your maturity is connected to your spouse’s imperfections, and you choosing to love them in spite of their weaknesses. Never give up on your marriage before you grow up, at the very least.
For better or for worse
Things wouldn’t always turn out the way you’d hoped or dreamt they would, and real life tragedies do happen to anyone. When you marry someone, you pledge a kind of love that goes so deep that you’ll accept the outcomes of your marriage, both good and bad whichever way life takes you as a couple. Through this vow, you actually said although you’re not sure whether the outcomes of your decision to marry will be good or bad, but you’ll accept them because the covenant is irreversible.
Marriage is bigger than us
In its proper context, marriage is bigger than you. It’s a tool used to shape society, grow communities, and transform the hearts of individuals into maturity. When a couple divorces, it doesn’t just hurt the individuals or family, it threatens the well-being of the community and society as well.
And because marriage is bigger than us, challenges are easier contextualised. Irritations or frustrations are viewed through different lens. But if marriage is all about individual happiness, there is no issue too small to ruin the relationship.
Happiness is a very weak pursuit in marriage. Peace and satisfaction, rather, are far better pursuits. Happiness will then be a by-product of that pursuit. Shared meaning is everything, and again, happiness is overrated. Never doubt your marriage journey just because of the circumstances you find yourselves in as a couple.–Sowetan
